It will happen...

Yesterday I was watching a show and as I watched this one scene I couldn't hold back the tears. I am ready to add to our family. I am ready to be blessed by the amazing spirit that will be joining our family. I am trying to be patient, but it is so hard! I know that when this does happen for us it will all make sense. Or maybe it won't but at that time it won't matter. The struggle is real! And we can definitely say it will be/is part of our story.

I was talking to a friend earlier this week and she made the comment that there are reasons we are asked to wait. When we are going down a path that we have been asked to walk, there are often other lessons to learn, or the path leads to other destinations as well. It is all part of our growth here on this earth. So even though this waiting is down right frustrating at times, there is a purpose in it. It will happen just how it is suppose to. For now we will push on and share our journey along the way.

It's been a year since we announced that we wanted to adopt, and almost 2 years since I first felt the HUGE prompting that started it all. We are not any closer than we were a year ago. I have no clue why we felt that we should announce our plans, I just know that we felt it was something we were suppose to do. So we did it. And yet we are still waiting. I just know that we are to have faith that it will all work out when it is suppose to, and for now we are to trust, and be patient. I can trust and have faith, patience it something I am trying really hard to work on.

We will continue pushing on, and hopefully this process will happen sooner than later. 

I will continue to work on my patience. Practice makes perfect, right?

I quit, I'm done! I just cannot do this!

Those are the exact words I whispered to myself. I was tired of trying, tired of failing, and just tired of being pulled out of my comfort zone. It is hard! If anyone knows me you will know I am not a fan of change, I hate any and all attention, and I am totally okay to just be. I was totally content inside my comfort zone, so why am I feeling like there is more that I need to be doing?

(this is how I am feeling right now, this meme was meant for me)

Well I think I've figured it out. so let me share with you...

There is a bigger plan than I imagined, I have been fighting it since the beginning, and still struggle within myself to accept that this is what I am suppose to be doing. It is more than the adoption, which is going to be an amazing blessing coming from this journey. For whatever reason, for whoever this may help (even if it's just me, myself, and I), I am growing emotionally, spiritually, and mentally out in the open for all to see. My journey is going to be an open book. So be ready for some honest posts, that I can already tell you are going to be extremely hard to write, but I feel that is exactly what I am suppose to be doing. I would like to walk this journey with my small circle around me, but I feel I need to extend that circle to all of you. I can already tell you that at the end of it all, that I am going to be so glad I did it. No matter how painful it may be.

When we felt really good about announcing our decision to adopt, I hoped it was going to happen soon. Then it didn't and I felt defeated and confused. Why would we feel good about announcing it if it was going to take a while? I now know that answer, it is all me, and I'm okay with that. I have some major growing and learning to do before we can bring this little girl home. I can tell you that I feel it in my gut that she is one special little girl, and in order for me to be the best mom for her, I need to be in a place of confidence and love of self. If that is what I need to do, than that is the path that I am going to walk. I don't know our daughter just yet, but I feel a connection to her that is close to my heart and pulls me along. It is undeniably strong. So buckle up and hold on tight, this is going to be a crazy ride!

Sweet daughter of mine, your momma is trying her hardest to get to you. For now I have been asked to walk a path that is a different direction than I planned, but it is still going to lead me to you. So for now I am going to trust our Heavenly Father, and know that he is mindful of us both. 

This is going to be worth it. 

Coleman's thoughts on adopion.

I think that it will be super amazing and it is going to be a wonderful adventure. I have have a feeling that this is what we need to do and it is a great feeling. She will be a wonderful adition to the family and she will love our family and we will love her just as much as she loves us (maby a little more). We will have a amazing time just geting her let alone living with her. I know my emotions will get the best of me one I see her and I will  be filled with so much joy and happiness and I will love her so much. I think she will grow up to be such a wonderful person and she will have such a great and wonderful life. I hope that she will know that she is going to find a home really soon.

Well here we go, I’m spilling my guts again....

Buckle up, it might be long....

When we announced our plans to adopt I knew I would be putting myself and my family out for everyone to watch our process. We felt lead, guided to announce it before we even knew when the process would begin. What I guess I wasn’t ready or aware I would be doing, was putting my own personal journey in growth and change out for everyone to see. I tend to keep those things to myself, but for some reason that is not the plan this time. So here I am owning it and opening up about it. I started my journey to a better me last year, and in September changes were made, I joined a challenge to help me. I was doing so good, I lost weight, I felt and saw a change in me, I was on my way. Then the challenge stopped, my choices weren’t perfect, we were sick a lot, but through the holidays I maintained my weight loss. Now here we are in March and I feel like I’m failing. Still maintaining but not doing what I know I need to be, and not continuing to move forward. It’s hard being out there for all to see. It’s hard when I’m not perfect although I’ve tried to be (it’s not possible, just trust me on that). Throughout my life when things get overwhelming I tend to shut down. Wanting to curl up and shut my eyes in hopes that when I’m ready to come out, that it will all be gone. Spoiler alert, it never goes away . I married the perfect guy for me, one who allows me time to close off and take a moment, but then picks me up and walks with me through everything that has overwhelmed me. Countless times and services he has given to help me get up and out. So I quietly told him how overwhelming this all was, weight loss, focusing on myself, and giving up of time with my people to take care of me. He talked me through it, he loves me, and he encouraged me to continue on. 

Just the other day I put it out to Facebook land asking for advice on finding a balance in life. I loved the many responses I was given. So many great things were shared. But more than anything I was told over and over what I already knew, but needed the reminder, to put myself first. This is hard for me. I have always been the caretaker, I love it, I thrive doing it, it is so a part of me. I had 5 little ones in 6 1/2 years, and they took a lot of my time. So I dove in head first and I love every part of being their mom. It is my calling. They are my world and I wouldn’t change that. Jeff and I went through some stuff for many of those years, so on top of focusing on my kids, I spent so much time on our marriage and working on us. I felt being a mom and a wife was who I was. I am learning that those things are part of me but I need to find me, I need to find Bethany. To be honest I don’t know if I ever knew who she was. So this journey is overwhelming, and my natural instincts are to curl up and close my eyes. But I’ve learned the last few months, that this journey is not going to go away. So I am opening my eyes hoping to find my way through it, and crossing my fingers that I can find this girl in the end of it. And I hope I like who I find ️ I am also hoping that by me opening up my life to the world, that someone somewhere will find their strength from mine (that I am borrowing from those close to me who are helping me through this).

So I’m ready to get back at it. I’m ready to not only be exercising, but taking care of me so in turn I could take care of those around me. I’m hoping not too much longer and we can begin this process of bringing our little girl home. I know that when the time is right, all things will fall into place. But I need to be doing my part and finding myself in the meantime. It’s going to be a crazy journey, something I totally didn’t expect to get out of this, but I’m welcoming it with open arms! Adoption is still the plan, China is where our baby girl is at, and I am positive my Heavenly Father is leading and guiding me on this path. 

Where are we?

I felt I needed to blog today, so here I am typing away at the keys, putting my feelings out to the universe.

Where are we in the process?

Well, we are still waiting. I am working on loosing weight. It is going slow, but going. I am confident that it will all fall into place just how it should. Although, I still carry the load that we are waiting on me, but I am pushing myself and working on it. That is our biggest hold up right now. I also have plans on selling items to raise funds (that will be another post for another day). But my mind is constantly running with what I need to do, what I can do, what I should be doing. It's a process and I know that I am moving in the right direction and am going to keep working on loosing weight so that we can get this started!

Recently China just revamped and changed a bunch of rules. I read about one of the rules being that you can only have 5 children in the home. No one knew if it was 5 before or after the adoption. It was a couple weeks from when I heard the rules were going to change, before it actually happened. I was anxious, nervous, but knew that whatever happened was meant to be. So we waited. When the new rules were announced it stated "In a couple adoption, the number of minors living in the house of the PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) should be not more than 5." It was unclear if it was 5 before or after the adoption. I was a mess, trying to find any clarification I could. I prayed that if we were suppose to continue with an adoption from China, that it would be 5 before the adoption. We waited for a couple of days before a sweet friend of mine, Isa, FB messaged me with a couple screenshots of people clarifying that it was 5 in home, adopting the 6th!!!!!! Prayers were answered and once again it was confirmed that China was the route we were to go. 

We talk about out little girl all of the time, and look forward to the point we can begin the process, and can see her face. I dream of her often. She weighs on my mind and heart constantly! Until that time I will continue to work on loosing this weight and getting to a place we can start this!

When Thank you just doesn't feel like enough......

We posted about our decision to adopt, knowing that we were putting our hearts out for the world to judge. And although the opinions of others will not change our minds, it definitely is still nerve wracking. It was all the emotions you can have or go through hitting publish on that blog post. But it was right...the timing, the chance to open our hearts, and taking that leap of faith. Something we have kept quiet (besides close family) for some time. Thank you for your kind words, thank you for your love, thank you for your support and your faith in us. Thank you to those who may not like or love our decision for keeping it to yourself. ;) Really though something as scary as putting yourself out there, and the reactions we got were better than we had hoped! So thank you! For the bottom of our hearts, we so appreciate you!!!

Thank you to my dear friend Sam for the priceless pictures she took of our family! She gave of her time and talents to bless us and allow us this keepsake! I am so grateful for her! Love ya lady!!

When we chose China, I had just watched a friend bring home her little boy from there. My heart was pulled, tugged, and I knew that was the direction we should go, knowing we would be looking into international. China has a very stable adoption process. They have been doing it for MANY years. It is probably one, if not the, most streamlined process for international adoptions. The whole process takes roughly about 9-12 months (more information I'll discuss at a later date) from the start of your paperwork to the day you meet your child. You spend about 2 weeks in China, doing all of the proper paperwork in order to adopt and receive a visa to bring your child home. Oh what a day that will be, it already brings me to tears just thinking about it!

Along with their process comes rules, guidelines and things that we need to follow in order to adopt from there. One main one being you have be under a certain BMI. Without beating myself up, and being completely open and honest, I need to loose weight before we can begin the paperwork. No matter how hard it was to swallow that I am holding up on our process, someone said it best when they said 'China's kids, China's rules'. And honestly I'm okay with that! It is pushing me to get in better shape, to be more healthy, and to work and focus on me. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I am overwhelmed that I am the hang up. But more often than not, it is giving me the drive I need! I am pushing through. I had thought about waiting to announce it until we were starting, but I guess having accountability to each one of you reading this, it is going to push me that much harder. So here we are, announcing it, being open about it, and I am doing what I can to loose this weight so we can get started! Hoping to be sooner than later!

Once I am down to where I need to be, we will begin the paperwork. And I will continue to work on me and loosing weight. It's just jumpstarting me in the process of being a healthier me!

We will keep you posted and definitely let you know once we begin the process!

But for real, thank you for your love, support, and excitement!
We feel it and we appreciate it!

Embarking on a new journey......

Have you had a time in your life, you knew you were meant to do something? 

Like every part of you, down to your core, knew this was something you needed to do??

Recently I have been going through this, but took a while to open up to Jeff and to our family.

I think I kept it in maybe wishing it wasn't for me because of the unknown? Maybe wondering how it would even be possible, I mean I have 5 children? Maybe because it was safer to keep it in my head instead of sharing it? There are lots of maybes, but something I have learned in my life is when the Lord calls, you answer.

Time and time again I have learned to just trust and have faith.

After much prayer, we are stepping out to say.....

We are going to be adopting!!

Yes, you read that right! The Nicks family will soon begin the process of adoption!

This may come as a shock to you, it did to us as well.

So let me take you back....

I had a thought placed in my head and my heart, a while ago. Years ago, actually. In fact when Jeff and I were first married I mentioned adoption. Jeff said no because he didn't think he could love a child that was not his. This idea was in the back of my mind, but one I didn't give much attention to, really ever. I mean we have 5 kids, why would we ever adopt?! Almost two years ago I casually mentioned one day, maybe, we could possibly, maybe... adopt, to Jeff. At that time he said yeah maybe. But it was a brief conversation, if you'd even call it a conversation, and that was the end of that.  I don't even remember how or why it came up, it was such a quick moment. But after that day the thought would come around every so often. I would brush it off, or maybe give it a minute or two, but I would move on to other things. I am busy! I homeschool 5 children, I am very active in our church, I am a mom, a wife and have plenty of other things to do, besides bringing another child into this family. But the thoughts and ideas kept coming to me, each time being stronger. I started feeling this pull or push to consider it. It reminded me of how I came to homeschool. I started feeling the desire for another child. Watching people around me adopt, and I felt a longing to do the same. Again why? We knew (seriously, I mean REALLY knew) our family was complete after we had Kahle. Then here I was wanting to change that. I knew without any doubt that there was a child out there for us. I decided I needed to talk to Jeff about it, so I wrote a super long text and hit send. Poor guy was at work and I dropped this bomb on him. I felt anxious but also like a weight was lifted. He took a couple days and then said right now he just couldn't. I understood his feelings, and to be fair to him, I've been thinking about this for a while. So in my mind, that was it. He didn't say no, but I took it that way. About a month later I started feeling pushed and pulled once again. It was consuming me this time. In my mind I just kept thinking why? Jeff wasn't on board, that is it! Regardless of my thoughts, the feelings continued. I had moments where, the only way I can describe it was, it felt hard to breath. It was a weight on my mind and on my heart, which all felt like a weight on my chest. So I, once again, sent Jeff a super long text to tell him how I'm feeling. I asked if we could go talk and pray about it. So we did. Lots and lots and LOTS of praying and talking. At the end of it, he was on board but wanted time...Did you read that?! He was on board!! I couldn't hold back, my emotions came leaking out of my eyes. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, I could finally breath! We still had many discussions, talks, and trying to be completely on the same page. I have felt an urgency, he hasn't, so it's taken time. But in the end we are going to move forward. We decided not to share it with anyone yet, waiting until we are ready (which I guess is now since you are reading this)....

After we made the decision, it was also around the time our kids would randomly bring up adding another child to our family. They often joked and teased about adopting. Jeff and I would just look at each other like how do they know?! We were very careful to not talk about it around them, to be sure they didn't hear us at all! And the fact is they didn't know, at least we hadn't told them, but I feel like their spirits knew. Deep down they had some whisperings of their own. So when Jeff and I sat them down to tell them, it was emotional and we, as a family, all knew it was right. We explained our thoughts and our feelings. There were lots of excited tears shed. Haden put his hands to his head and made an exploding motion as well as an exploding sound. Then said 'mind blown!' Which I think we all can relate to. Our kids are SO excited! We, as a family, are SO excited! They have been dying to tell people! But have done an amazing job at keeping it a secret! We decided from the beginning that we would persue an adoption for a little girl. We pray often for our daughter, whoever she is and wherever she may be. Each time I pray for her I am overcome with emotion and a longing to find her.

When it comes to adoption there are so many choices. We are choosing to do an international adoption. Why? Because we feel good about that choice. It really is as simple as that! Also to be honest, here in the states adoption (for children other than a baby) are done a lot through the foster care system. My heart cannot handle or go through the possibilty of family wanting their child back. Growing up we did foster care, it is fantastic, and reunification is wonderful if it is possible. We are not persuing a baby here in the US because I feel there are so many who cannot have babies, and they deserve a chance to adopt a baby. Regardless of these reasons, we feel good about moving forward with an international adoption. We have prayed, read, researched, and prayed some more. 

We are pursuing and hoping to start the adoption process for China. 

We have poured our hearts out to our Heavenly Father, and we feel this is the path we have been asked to walk. We are humbled, anxious, and so SO very excited. So we are moving forward with faith. And lots of prayers! 

We have not started the process yet. We have narrowed down the agency, we know the direction we want to take. Now that we have announced it and gotten that weight off our shoulders, haha! We will be looking forward to starting the paperwork!