Those are the exact words I whispered to myself. I was tired of trying, tired of failing, and just tired of being pulled out of my comfort zone. It is hard! If anyone knows me you will know I am not a fan of change, I hate any and all attention, and I am totally okay to just be. I was totally content inside my comfort zone, so why am I feeling like there is more that I need to be doing?
(this is how I am feeling right now, this meme was meant for me)
Well I think I've figured it out. so let me share with you...
There is a bigger plan than I imagined, I have been fighting it since the beginning, and still struggle within myself to accept that this is what I am suppose to be doing. It is more than the adoption, which is going to be an amazing blessing coming from this journey. For whatever reason, for whoever this may help (even if it's just me, myself, and I), I am growing emotionally, spiritually, and mentally out in the open for all to see. My journey is going to be an open book. So be ready for some honest posts, that I can already tell you are going to be extremely hard to write, but I feel that is exactly what I am suppose to be doing. I would like to walk this journey with my small circle around me, but I feel I need to extend that circle to all of you. I can already tell you that at the end of it all, that I am going to be so glad I did it. No matter how painful it may be.
When we felt really good about announcing our decision to adopt, I hoped it was going to happen soon. Then it didn't and I felt defeated and confused. Why would we feel good about announcing it if it was going to take a while? I now know that answer, it is all me, and I'm okay with that. I have some major growing and learning to do before we can bring this little girl home. I can tell you that I feel it in my gut that she is one special little girl, and in order for me to be the best mom for her, I need to be in a place of confidence and love of self. If that is what I need to do, than that is the path that I am going to walk. I don't know our daughter just yet, but I feel a connection to her that is close to my heart and pulls me along. It is undeniably strong. So buckle up and hold on tight, this is going to be a crazy ride!
Sweet daughter of mine, your momma is trying her hardest to get to you. For now I have been asked to walk a path that is a different direction than I planned, but it is still going to lead me to you. So for now I am going to trust our Heavenly Father, and know that he is mindful of us both.
This is going to be worth it.
