It will happen...

Yesterday I was watching a show and as I watched this one scene I couldn't hold back the tears. I am ready to add to our family. I am ready to be blessed by the amazing spirit that will be joining our family. I am trying to be patient, but it is so hard! I know that when this does happen for us it will all make sense. Or maybe it won't but at that time it won't matter. The struggle is real! And we can definitely say it will be/is part of our story.

I was talking to a friend earlier this week and she made the comment that there are reasons we are asked to wait. When we are going down a path that we have been asked to walk, there are often other lessons to learn, or the path leads to other destinations as well. It is all part of our growth here on this earth. So even though this waiting is down right frustrating at times, there is a purpose in it. It will happen just how it is suppose to. For now we will push on and share our journey along the way.

It's been a year since we announced that we wanted to adopt, and almost 2 years since I first felt the HUGE prompting that started it all. We are not any closer than we were a year ago. I have no clue why we felt that we should announce our plans, I just know that we felt it was something we were suppose to do. So we did it. And yet we are still waiting. I just know that we are to have faith that it will all work out when it is suppose to, and for now we are to trust, and be patient. I can trust and have faith, patience it something I am trying really hard to work on.

We will continue pushing on, and hopefully this process will happen sooner than later. 

I will continue to work on my patience. Practice makes perfect, right?

I quit, I'm done! I just cannot do this!

Those are the exact words I whispered to myself. I was tired of trying, tired of failing, and just tired of being pulled out of my comfort zone. It is hard! If anyone knows me you will know I am not a fan of change, I hate any and all attention, and I am totally okay to just be. I was totally content inside my comfort zone, so why am I feeling like there is more that I need to be doing?

(this is how I am feeling right now, this meme was meant for me)

Well I think I've figured it out. so let me share with you...

There is a bigger plan than I imagined, I have been fighting it since the beginning, and still struggle within myself to accept that this is what I am suppose to be doing. It is more than the adoption, which is going to be an amazing blessing coming from this journey. For whatever reason, for whoever this may help (even if it's just me, myself, and I), I am growing emotionally, spiritually, and mentally out in the open for all to see. My journey is going to be an open book. So be ready for some honest posts, that I can already tell you are going to be extremely hard to write, but I feel that is exactly what I am suppose to be doing. I would like to walk this journey with my small circle around me, but I feel I need to extend that circle to all of you. I can already tell you that at the end of it all, that I am going to be so glad I did it. No matter how painful it may be.

When we felt really good about announcing our decision to adopt, I hoped it was going to happen soon. Then it didn't and I felt defeated and confused. Why would we feel good about announcing it if it was going to take a while? I now know that answer, it is all me, and I'm okay with that. I have some major growing and learning to do before we can bring this little girl home. I can tell you that I feel it in my gut that she is one special little girl, and in order for me to be the best mom for her, I need to be in a place of confidence and love of self. If that is what I need to do, than that is the path that I am going to walk. I don't know our daughter just yet, but I feel a connection to her that is close to my heart and pulls me along. It is undeniably strong. So buckle up and hold on tight, this is going to be a crazy ride!

Sweet daughter of mine, your momma is trying her hardest to get to you. For now I have been asked to walk a path that is a different direction than I planned, but it is still going to lead me to you. So for now I am going to trust our Heavenly Father, and know that he is mindful of us both. 

This is going to be worth it. 

Coleman's thoughts on adopion.

I think that it will be super amazing and it is going to be a wonderful adventure. I have have a feeling that this is what we need to do and it is a great feeling. She will be a wonderful adition to the family and she will love our family and we will love her just as much as she loves us (maby a little more). We will have a amazing time just geting her let alone living with her. I know my emotions will get the best of me one I see her and I will  be filled with so much joy and happiness and I will love her so much. I think she will grow up to be such a wonderful person and she will have such a great and wonderful life. I hope that she will know that she is going to find a home really soon.

Well here we go, I’m spilling my guts again....

Buckle up, it might be long....

When we announced our plans to adopt I knew I would be putting myself and my family out for everyone to watch our process. We felt lead, guided to announce it before we even knew when the process would begin. What I guess I wasn’t ready or aware I would be doing, was putting my own personal journey in growth and change out for everyone to see. I tend to keep those things to myself, but for some reason that is not the plan this time. So here I am owning it and opening up about it. I started my journey to a better me last year, and in September changes were made, I joined a challenge to help me. I was doing so good, I lost weight, I felt and saw a change in me, I was on my way. Then the challenge stopped, my choices weren’t perfect, we were sick a lot, but through the holidays I maintained my weight loss. Now here we are in March and I feel like I’m failing. Still maintaining but not doing what I know I need to be, and not continuing to move forward. It’s hard being out there for all to see. It’s hard when I’m not perfect although I’ve tried to be (it’s not possible, just trust me on that). Throughout my life when things get overwhelming I tend to shut down. Wanting to curl up and shut my eyes in hopes that when I’m ready to come out, that it will all be gone. Spoiler alert, it never goes away . I married the perfect guy for me, one who allows me time to close off and take a moment, but then picks me up and walks with me through everything that has overwhelmed me. Countless times and services he has given to help me get up and out. So I quietly told him how overwhelming this all was, weight loss, focusing on myself, and giving up of time with my people to take care of me. He talked me through it, he loves me, and he encouraged me to continue on. 

Just the other day I put it out to Facebook land asking for advice on finding a balance in life. I loved the many responses I was given. So many great things were shared. But more than anything I was told over and over what I already knew, but needed the reminder, to put myself first. This is hard for me. I have always been the caretaker, I love it, I thrive doing it, it is so a part of me. I had 5 little ones in 6 1/2 years, and they took a lot of my time. So I dove in head first and I love every part of being their mom. It is my calling. They are my world and I wouldn’t change that. Jeff and I went through some stuff for many of those years, so on top of focusing on my kids, I spent so much time on our marriage and working on us. I felt being a mom and a wife was who I was. I am learning that those things are part of me but I need to find me, I need to find Bethany. To be honest I don’t know if I ever knew who she was. So this journey is overwhelming, and my natural instincts are to curl up and close my eyes. But I’ve learned the last few months, that this journey is not going to go away. So I am opening my eyes hoping to find my way through it, and crossing my fingers that I can find this girl in the end of it. And I hope I like who I find ️ I am also hoping that by me opening up my life to the world, that someone somewhere will find their strength from mine (that I am borrowing from those close to me who are helping me through this).

So I’m ready to get back at it. I’m ready to not only be exercising, but taking care of me so in turn I could take care of those around me. I’m hoping not too much longer and we can begin this process of bringing our little girl home. I know that when the time is right, all things will fall into place. But I need to be doing my part and finding myself in the meantime. It’s going to be a crazy journey, something I totally didn’t expect to get out of this, but I’m welcoming it with open arms! Adoption is still the plan, China is where our baby girl is at, and I am positive my Heavenly Father is leading and guiding me on this path.