Well here we go, I’m spilling my guts again....

Buckle up, it might be long....

When we announced our plans to adopt I knew I would be putting myself and my family out for everyone to watch our process. We felt lead, guided to announce it before we even knew when the process would begin. What I guess I wasn’t ready or aware I would be doing, was putting my own personal journey in growth and change out for everyone to see. I tend to keep those things to myself, but for some reason that is not the plan this time. So here I am owning it and opening up about it. I started my journey to a better me last year, and in September changes were made, I joined a challenge to help me. I was doing so good, I lost weight, I felt and saw a change in me, I was on my way. Then the challenge stopped, my choices weren’t perfect, we were sick a lot, but through the holidays I maintained my weight loss. Now here we are in March and I feel like I’m failing. Still maintaining but not doing what I know I need to be, and not continuing to move forward. It’s hard being out there for all to see. It’s hard when I’m not perfect although I’ve tried to be (it’s not possible, just trust me on that). Throughout my life when things get overwhelming I tend to shut down. Wanting to curl up and shut my eyes in hopes that when I’m ready to come out, that it will all be gone. Spoiler alert, it never goes away . I married the perfect guy for me, one who allows me time to close off and take a moment, but then picks me up and walks with me through everything that has overwhelmed me. Countless times and services he has given to help me get up and out. So I quietly told him how overwhelming this all was, weight loss, focusing on myself, and giving up of time with my people to take care of me. He talked me through it, he loves me, and he encouraged me to continue on. 

Just the other day I put it out to Facebook land asking for advice on finding a balance in life. I loved the many responses I was given. So many great things were shared. But more than anything I was told over and over what I already knew, but needed the reminder, to put myself first. This is hard for me. I have always been the caretaker, I love it, I thrive doing it, it is so a part of me. I had 5 little ones in 6 1/2 years, and they took a lot of my time. So I dove in head first and I love every part of being their mom. It is my calling. They are my world and I wouldn’t change that. Jeff and I went through some stuff for many of those years, so on top of focusing on my kids, I spent so much time on our marriage and working on us. I felt being a mom and a wife was who I was. I am learning that those things are part of me but I need to find me, I need to find Bethany. To be honest I don’t know if I ever knew who she was. So this journey is overwhelming, and my natural instincts are to curl up and close my eyes. But I’ve learned the last few months, that this journey is not going to go away. So I am opening my eyes hoping to find my way through it, and crossing my fingers that I can find this girl in the end of it. And I hope I like who I find ️ I am also hoping that by me opening up my life to the world, that someone somewhere will find their strength from mine (that I am borrowing from those close to me who are helping me through this).

So I’m ready to get back at it. I’m ready to not only be exercising, but taking care of me so in turn I could take care of those around me. I’m hoping not too much longer and we can begin this process of bringing our little girl home. I know that when the time is right, all things will fall into place. But I need to be doing my part and finding myself in the meantime. It’s going to be a crazy journey, something I totally didn’t expect to get out of this, but I’m welcoming it with open arms! Adoption is still the plan, China is where our baby girl is at, and I am positive my Heavenly Father is leading and guiding me on this path.